"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."

- General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired

How long have you been in the Navy?

All me blooming life, Sir!
Me mother was a mermaid, me father was king neptune.
I was born on the crest of a wave and rocked in the cradle of the deep.
Seaweed and barnacle be me cloths, every tooth in me mouth is a marlin spike,
the hair on me head is hemp, every bone in me body is a spar, and when I spitz, I spitz tar!
I am, I is, I are!

What time is it?

Due to the fallacious nature of my chronometer, and the inability of my cerebrum to function in the manner of an august Chief Petty Officer, I am unable to ascertain the correct Military time to a punctilious degree; however, it is my firm belief that the approximate military time is "insert current local time".

Some thoughts over the years that some of you may relate to. I might be aging myself on some of these.

A bit of introspection from an "older" Sailor. This is proof that the more things change, some things remain the same.
A Sailor will walk 10 miles in a freezing rain to get a beer but complain about standing a 4 hour quarterdeck watch on a beautiful, balmy spring day.
A Sailor will lie, cheat and scam to get off the ship early and then will have no idea where he wants to go.
Sailors are territorial. They have their assigned spaces to clean and maintain. Woe betide the shipmate who tracks through a freshly swabbed deck.
Sailors constantly complain about the food on the mess decks while concurrently going back for second or even third helpings.
Some Sailors have taken literally the old t-shirt saying that they should “Join the Navy. Sail to distant ports. Catch embarrassing, exotic diseases.”
After a sea cruise, a Sailor will realized how much he misses being at sea. And after retiring from the Navy consider going on a cruise and visiting some of our past favorite ports. Of course we'll have to pony up better than $5,000 for the privilege. Just to think, Uncle Sam actually use to pay us to visit those same ports years ago.
You can spend three years on a ship and never visit every nook and cranny or even every major space aboard. Yet, you can name all your shipmates and every liberty port.
Campari and soda taken in the warm Spanish sun is an excellent hangover remedy.
E-5 is the almost perfect military pay grade. Too senior to catch the crap details, too junior to be blamed if things go awry.
Never be first, never be last and never volunteer for anything.
Almost every port has a “gut.” An area teeming with cheap bars, easy women and partiers which is usually the "Off-limits" area.
Contrary to popular belief, Chief Petty Officers do not walk on water. They walk just above it.
Sad but true, when visiting even the most exotic ports of call, some Sailors only see the inside of the nearest bars/clubs.
Also under the category of sad but true, that lithe, sultry Mediterranean or Asian beauty you spent those wonderful three days with and have dreamed about ever since, is almost certainly a grandmother now.
A Sailor can, and will, sleep anywhere, anytime.
Do not eat BALUT ever!
Yes, it’s true, it does flow downhill.
In the traditional “crackerjack” uniform you were recognized as a member of United States Navy, no matter what port or part of the world you were in. Damn all who want to eliminate or change that uniform.
The Marine dress blue uniform is, by far, the sharpest of all the armed forces.
Most Sailors won’t disrespect a shipmate’s mother. On the other hand, it’s not entirely wise to tell them they have a good looking sister either.
Sailors and Marines will generally fight one another, and fight together against all comers.
If you can at all help it, never tell anyone that you are seasick.
Check the rear dungaree pockets of a Sailor. Right pocket a wallet. Left pocket a book.
The guys who seemed to get away with doing the least, always seemed to be first in the pay line and the chow line.
General Quarters drills and the need to evacuate one’s bowels often seem to coincide.
Speaking of which, when the need arises, the nearest head is always the one which is secured for cleaning.
Four people you never screw with: the doc, the DK, PC and the ship’s barber.
In the summer, all deck seamen wanted to be signalmen. In the winter they wanted to be radiomen.
Do snipes ever get the grease and oil off their hands?
Never play a drinking game which involves the loser paying for all the drinks.
There are only two good ships: the one you came from and the one you’re going to.
Whites, coming from the cleaners, clean, pressed and starched, last that way about 30 microseconds after donning them. The Navy dress white uniform is a natural dirt magnet.
Sweat pumps operate in direct proportion to the seniority of the official visiting.
The shrill call of a bosun's pipe still puts a chill down my spine.
Three biggest lies in the Navy: We're happy to be here; this is not an inspection; we're here to help.
Everything goes in the log.
Rule 1: The Chief is always right. Rule 2: When in doubt refer to Rule 1.
A wet napkin under your tray keeps the tray from sliding on the mess deck table in rough seas, keeping at least one hand free to hold on to your beverage.
Never walk between the projector and the movie screen after movie call and the flick has started.
A guy who doesn't share a care package from home is no shipmate.
When transiting the ocean, the ship's chronometer is always advanced at 0200 which makes for a short night. When going in the opposite direction, the chronometer is retarded at 1400 which extends the work day.
When I sleep, I often dream I am back at sea.
If I had to do it all over again, I would. TWICE!

GOOD SHIPMATES ARE FRIENDS FOR LIFE!

Did you hear about the North Dakota rancher driving along checking his fences when he sees a hitchhiker.

He gives the guy a lift. They talk little but the rancher asks his name and the guy says Rear Admiral Coaks.

All of a sudden the rancher slams on the brakes and there in the barbed wire is one of his sheep with his head caught.

The rancher gets out, goes over, yanks his pants down and tears the sheep a new ass hole.

He starts to pull up his pants and yells over to the truck, “Hey, Admiral, you want some of this?”.

The guy in the truck yells back, “Well, sure I do. But do I have to stick my head on the barbed wire?”.

A U.S.Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

"How To Simulate Being A Sailor"

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month.
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans and butt kits over the fantail!"
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.
When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, "Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!"
Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this "Midrats".)
Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond.
Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200, saying, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors).
Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (remember guarding the clothes line or trash cans?)
When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.
For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.
Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping.

NOW THEY TELL ME

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true US Navy fashion exclaimed ... And all these years I've been chewing gum.

NAVAL OFFICERS and NAVY CHIEFS

A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger.

The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: "The conductor is coming!"

At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" one of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: "The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the other toilet.

Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"

Moral of the story? -- Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but they don't really understand them.

MASTER CHIEF AND 3 LIEUTENANTS

One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief mentioned he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Master Chief then told the Lt on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy . The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy. The Master Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

ROUTE TO BECOMING AN ADMIRAL

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims: "Master Chief Petty Officer , United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

SEAMANSHIP TEST

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.

"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."

"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

"Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

The Pope & a US Navy CPO

Pope John Paul dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Waddyah want?"

"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 68 years of godly works and thought I should check in here."

The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here. Just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in the morning." They go to an old WWII barracks, 3rd floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a Navy Chief; his Dolphins glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a can of San Miguel beer in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with magnificent halos.

This sight disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-at-Arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with 68 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this Navy Chief, who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"

The Master at Arms calmly looks up and says, "Hey, we get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Navy Chief before."

When a Veteran leaves the 'job' and retires to a better life, many are jealous, some are pleased, and others, who may have already retired, wonder if he knows what he is leaving behind, because we already know.

We know, for example, that after a lifetime of camaraderie that few experience, it will remain as a longing for those past times.
We know in the Military life there is a fellowship which lasts long after the uniforms are hung up in the back of the closet.
We know even if he throws them away, they will be on him with every step and breath that remains in his life.
We also know how the very bearing of the man speaks of what he was and in his heart still is. These are the burdens of the job. You will still look at people suspiciously, still see what others do not see or choose to ignore and always will look at the rest of the Military world with a respect for what they do; only grown in a lifetime of knowing. Never think for one moment you are escaping from that life. You are only escaping the 'job' and merely being allowed to leave 'active' duty. So what I wish for you is that whenever you ease into retirement, in your heart you never forget for one moment that you are still a member of the greatest fraternity the world has ever known.

NOW! Civilian Friends vs. Veteran Friends --- Comparisons

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having the last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Have cried with you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will kick the crowd's ass that left you behind.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no citizen could ever dream of.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, 'You better drink the rest of that before you spill it!' Then carry you home safely and put you to bed...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will knock the hell out OF THEM for using your name in vain.

A veteran - whether active duty, retired, reserve or a veteran - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The Government of the United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life'. From one Veteran to another, it's an honor to be in your company.

Navy evaluation pearls:

He willingly obeys orders but he doesn't always carry them out.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

The Chief's not afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of the Chief.
The Chief once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now simply called "The Islands"
Superman owns a pair of Chief pajamas.
The Chief has never paid taxes. He just sends in a blank form and includes a picture of himself.
If the Chief is late, then time had damned well better slow down.
The Chief actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
The Chief has counted to infinity ... twice!
If the Chief ever calls your house, be in!
The Chief doesn't leave messages; he leaves warnings. You had better pay attention to them.
The Chief can slam a revolving door.
The Chief was sending an email one day, when he realized it would be faster to run.
When the Chief exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Bullets dodge the Chief. If not, he catches them in his teeth.
Chiefs think Ensigns should be seen and not heard, and should not be allowed to read books on leadership.
Chiefs do not have any civilian clothes. As civilians, they keep their uniforms forever.
The Chief's favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation.
The Chief's favorite food is SOS for breakfast.
Chiefs don't know how to tell civilian time.
Chiefs dream in Navy blue and gold, white, haze gray, and occasionally khaki.
Chiefs have served in ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.
Chiefs get tears in their eyes when the Chief dies in the movie "Operation Pacific."
Chiefs have pictures of ships in their wallets.
Chiefs do not own any pens that are not inscribed "Property of U.S. Government."
Chief's favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship."
A Chief's last ship (or duty station) was always better.
Chiefs know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better.
A Chief's idea of heaven: Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he's told
The CHIEF's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
The CHIEF frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.
The CHIEF has the greatest Poker Face ever. He once won the 1982 World Series of Poker despite the fact that he held only a Joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail card, and a green number 4 UNO card.
The CHIEF once sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his rugged good looks and unparalleled strength.
He then beat up the devil and took back his soul. The devil who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the CHIEF was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" The CHIEF received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
The CHIEF once ate three 72-oz steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
The CHIEF clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
The CHIEF refers to himself in the fourth person.
The CHIEF can divide by zero.
The CHIEF is one-eighth Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry. The man once ate an Indian.
If you come home and find the CHIEF in bed with your wife, it would be a good idea to fetch a glass of water in case the CHIEF gets thirsty. There is no future in any other course of action.
One time in an airport a guy accidentally called the CHIEF "buddy." He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. The CHIEF accepted his apology and politely shook hands. Nine months later the guy's wife gave birth to a baby with a birthmark that looked like five stripes and crossed rifles. The guy knew exactly what had happened and blames nobody but himself.
When the Incredible Hulk gets angry, he transforms into the CHIEF.
The CHIEF once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.
The CHIEF once took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink . . . once.
The first lunar eclipse took place after the CHIEF challenged the sun to a staring contest. The sun blinked first.
The CHIEF never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

There was a time when everything you owned had to fit in your seabag. Remember those nasty rascals? Fully packed, one of the suckers weighed more than the poor devil hauling it. The damn things weighed a ton and some idiot with an off-center sense of humor sewed a carry handle on it to help you haul it. Hell, you could bolt a handle on a Greyhound bus but it wouldn't make the damn thing portable. The Army, Marines, and Air Force got footlockers and WE got a big ole' canvas bag. After you warped your spine jackassing the goofy thing through a bus or train station, sat on it waiting for connecting transportation and made folks mad because it was too damn big to fit in any overhead rack on any bus, train, and airplane ever made, the contents looked like hell. All your gear appeared to have come from bums who slept on park benches. Traveling with a seabag was something left over from the "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum" sailing ship days. Sailors used to sleep in hammocks, so you stowed your issue in a big canvas bag and lashed your hammock to it, hoisted it on your shoulder and, in effect, moved your entire home from ship to ship.

I wouldn't say you traveled light because with ONE strap it was a one shoulder load that could torque your skeletal frame and bust your ankles. It was like hauling a dead linebacker. They wasted a lot of time in boot camp telling you how to pack one of the suckers. There was an officially sanctioned method of organization that you forgot after ten minutes on the other side of the gate at Great Lakes or San Diego. You got rid of a lot of the 'issue' gear when you went to a SHIP. Did you EVER know a tin-can sailor who had a raincoat? A flat hat? One of those nut-hugger knit swimsuits? How bout those 'roll-your-own' neckerchiefs...the ones girls in a good Naval tailor shop would cut down & sew into a 'greasy snake' for two bucks? Within six months, EVERY fleet sailor was down to ONE set of dress blues, port & starboard, undress blues, and whites, a couple of white hats, boots, shoes, a watch cap, assorted skivvies, a pea coat, and three sets of bleached-out dungarees. The rest of your original issue was either in the pea coat locker, lucky bag, or had been reduced to wipe-down rags in the paint locker.

Underway ships were NOT ships that allowed vast accumulation of private gear. Hobos who lived in discarded refrigerator crates could amass greater loads of pack-rat crap than fleet sailors. The confines of a canvas-back rack, side locker, and a couple of bunk bags did NOT allow one to live a Donald Trump existence. Space and the going pay scale combined to make us envy the lifestyle of a mud-hut Ethiopian. We were global equivalents of nomadic Mongols without ponies to haul our stuff.

And after the rigid routine of boot camp, we learned the skill of random compression, known by mothers world-wide as 'cramming'. It is amazing what you can jam into a space no bigger than a bread-box if you pull a watch cap over a boot and push it with your foot. Of course, it looks kinda weird when you pull it out, but they NEVER hold fashion shows at sea and wrinkles added character to a 'salty' appearance. There was a four-hundred mile gap between the images on recruiting posters and the ACTUAL appearance of sailors at sea. It was NOT without justifiable reason that we were called the tin-can Navy. We operated on the premise that if 'Cleanliness was next to Godliness' we must be next to the other end of that spectrum...

We looked like our clothing had been pressed with a waffle iron and packed by a bulldozer. But what in hell did they expect from a bunch of swabs that lived in a crew's hole of a 2100 Fletcher Class can? After awhile you got used to it...You got used to everything you owned picking up and retaining that distinctive aroma... You got used to old ladies on busses taking a couple of wrinkled nose sniffs of your pea coat, then getting up and finding another seat.

Do they still issue seabags? Can you still make five bucks sitting up half the night drawing a ships picture on the side of one of the damn things with black and white marking pens that drive the old master-at-arms into a 'rig for heart attack' frenzy? Make their faces red...the veins on their neck bulge out.... and yell, 'What in God's name is that all over your seabag???' 'Artwork, Chief...It's like the work of Michelangelo...MY ship... GREAT, huh?" "Looks like some damn comic book..." Here was a man with cobras tattooed on his arms...A skull with a dagger through one eye and a ribbon reading 'DEATH BEFORE SHORE DUTY' on his shoulder...Crossed anchors with 'Subic Bay-1945' on the other shoulder...An eagle on his chest and a full blown Chinese dragon peeking out between the cheeks of his butt... If ANYONE was an authority on stuff that looked like a comic book, it HAD to be the MAA...

Sometimes, I look at all the crap stacked in my garage, close my eyes and smile, remembering a time when EVERYTHING I owned could be crammed into a canvas bag.

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam."

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
Aim toward the Enemy.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate (B.S.). The bombs are absolutely guaranteed to hit the ground.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
It is generally inadvisable and unhealthy to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. - General MacArthur
Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
Tracers work both ways.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. - U.S. Navy Swabbie
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.
Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? A: If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth carrier landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened, man?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb! He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a piss , then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.

"American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national Leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage A useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."

"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"

"No," answers the other. "It's just CNN!"

The meaning of "secure a building" in different branches of the military:

If you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

Air Force personnel would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The Power of the Almighty Chief Petty Officer

As a crowded airliner is about to takeoff, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a US Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly , "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."

A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well," replied the Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes, Master Chief," replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"

"That, sir, goes way back in history - back to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.

The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best. The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him. Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to Chief?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief.' After that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

"The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy"

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

An Ensign saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit...""

The Chief Petty Officer's Prayer

Dear Lord...

So far today, God, I have lived my life as you would intend.

I haven't lost my temper.
So far I have not even grabbed the Chief's Mess Cook by the throat, like yesterday.
I have said nothing insulting or humiliating to any of the junior officers.
I haven't bitched about the coffee, the ship's schedule, the watch bill or Saturday's Personnel Inspection.
I have told no lies...
I have not cheated at poker.
I have put no ship's tools in my personal toolbox.
In short God, I believe that so far today I have committed no grievous sins.

Thank you, God, for helping me to stay righteous so far.

But Lord, it's almost 0600 and in a little while I'm going to roll out of my bunk and after that I think I will need a lot more help.

Amen.

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”

The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”

ADMIRAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

CAPTAIN:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

COMMANDER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

LT. COMMANDER:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT (JG):
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in a Kapok, talks to bulkheads.

ENSIGN:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

CHIEF PETTY OFFICER:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it, HE IS GOD.

There was a ragged old man who shuffled into a waterfront bar one afternoon stinking of whisky and cigarettes. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
I'd like to apply for the job," he said The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player, and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I'm retired", he answered. "As a matter of fact I'm a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, but since I retired I've done nothing but drink, chase women and play the piano.
Now really unsure, the barkeep decided to give him a try. He really needed more business "The piano is over there. Give it a go and we will see how well you play."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old sailor a beer and told him he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that song?" he asked the old sailor.
"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight', said the old Chief after he took a long pull from the beer. The crowd winced along with the bartender, but the piano player went on. "I've got another," and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slapping, hand-clapping, bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the street to hear this guy play.
After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head. After thinking a bit the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job. But then he noticed the old man'sfly was undone and his anchor was hanging out. He said "Chief, the job is yours, but first I gotta ask, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

A 'touchy-feelie' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."

The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl, "How old do you think I am?"

"I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47!"

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man named Bob the same question. Bob replies, "Lady, I'm a retired CT Master Chief and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this she says "Okay, okay, that's enough. How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?"

The old CT Master Chief replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's ."

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
13. 94,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
15. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
16. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

A Dear John letter to young Marine

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is simply too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm very sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any pictures they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos all together in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Rick

OLD CHIEFS

Many nights we sat in the after mess deck wrapping ourselves around cups of coffee and listening to their stories. They were lighthearted stories about warm beer shared with their running mates in corrugated metal hooches at rear base landing zones, where the only furniture was a few packing crates and a couple of Coleman lamps. Standing in line at a Philippine cathouse or spending three hours soaking in a tub in Bangkok, smoking cigars and getting loaded. It was our history. And we dreamed of being just like them because they were our heroes.

When they accepted you as their shipmate, it was the highest honor you would ever receive in your life. At least it was clearly that for me. They were not men given to the prerogatives of their position. You would find them with their sleeves rolled up, shoulder-to-shoulder with you in a stores loading party.

"Hey Chief, no need for you to be out here tossin' crates in the rain, we can get all this crap aboard."

"Son, the term 'All hands' means all hands."

"Yeah Chief, but you're no damn kid anymore, you old fart."

"Shipmate, when I'm eighty-five, parked in the old Sailors' home in Gulfport, I'll still be able to kick your worthless butt from here to fifty feet past the screw guards along with six of your closest friends. " And he probably wasn't bullshitting. They trained us. Not only us, but hundreds more just like us. If it wasn't for Chief Petty Officers, there wouldn't be any U.S. Naval Force.

There wasn't any fairy godmother who lived in a hollow tree in the enchanted forest who could wave her magic wand and create a Chief Petty Officer. They were born as hotsacking seamen and matured like good whiskey in steel hulls and steaming jungles over many years. Nothing a nineteen year-old jaybird could cook up was original to these old saltwater owls. They had seen E-3 jerks come and go for so many years, they could read you like a book.

"Son, I know what you are thinking. Just one word of advice. DON'T. It won't be worth it."

"Aye, Chief." Chiefs aren't the kind of guys you thank. Monkeys at the zoo don't spend a lot of time thanking the guy who makes them do tricks for peanuts. Appreciation of what they did and who they were, comes with long distance retrospect. No young lad takes time to recognize the worth of his leadership. That comes later when you have experienced poor leadership or lets say, when you have the maturity to recognize what leaders should be, you find that Chiefs are the standard by which you measure all others. They had no Academy rings to get scratched up. They butchered the King's English. They had become educated at the other end of an anchor chain from Copenhagen to Singapore. They had given their entire lives to the United States Navy. In the progression of the nobility of employment, CPO heads the list.

So, when we ultimately get our final duty station assignments and we get to wherever the big CNO in the sky assigns us. If we are lucky, Marines will be guarding the streets. I don't know about that Marine propaganda bullshit, but there will be an old Chief in an oil-stained hat, a cigar stub clenched in his teeth and a coffee cup that looks like it contains oil, standing at the brow to assign us our bunks and tell us where to stow our gear. And we will all be young again and the damn coffee will float a rock.

Life fixes it so that by the time a stupid kid grows old enough and smart enough to recognize who he should have thanked along the way, he no longer can. If I could, I would thank my old Chiefs. If you only knew what you succeeded in pounding in this thick skull, you would be amazed. So thanks you old casehardened unsalvageable son-of-a-bitches. Save me a rack in the berthing compartment.

Military translations for those who didn't know

NAVY/USMC	ARMY	AIR FORCE
Head	Latrine	Powder Room
Rack	Cot	A Single with ruffle and duvet
Chow Hall	Mess Hall	Cafe
Utilities	BDU's	Casual Wear
Seaman	Private	Bobby or Jimmy
Chief	Sergeant First Class	Bob or Jim
Captain	Colonel	Robert or James
Captain's Mast	Article 15	Time Out
Billets	Barracks	Dormitory
Skivvies	Underwear	Lingerie
Thrown in the Brig	Put in a confinement facility	Grounded

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: 1. When they're ready. 2. When you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
The important things are always simple; the simple things are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

A crusty old Marine Corps Sargent Major found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the SgtMaj for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, SgtMaj, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"Negative ma'am," the SgtMaj said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The SgtMaj's short reply was, "Yes ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."

The SgtMaj just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The SgtMaj looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The SgtMaj, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the Scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job until the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what Is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the Chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?"

"What! And have you liberal a**holes call me the aggressor?" the Marine replied.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, D.C. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

Bob was an old Retired Navy CT Master Chief. He was sick and was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning?" or "Are we ready for our bath?", or "Are we hungry?"

Old Bob had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Bob had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So - well, you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today."

At this, Old Bob snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted. Old Bob just smiled.Typical CT Master Chief.

OK all you squids and squid wannabes - here is a pop quiz with the answers provided below. See if you can figure out what is really going on here. And this is how they really talk in the old Navy

"Me and Willy were lollygagging by the scuttlebutt after being aloft to boy butter up the antennas and were just perched on a bollard eyeballing a couple of bilge rats and flangeheads using crescent hammers to pack monkey shit around a fitting on a handybilly.

All of a sudden the dicksmith started hard-assing one of the deck apes for lifting his pogey bait. The pecker-checker was a sewer pipe sailor and the deckape was a gator. Maybe being blackshoes on a bird farm surrounded by a gaggle of cans didn't set right with either of those gobs. The deck ape ran through the nearest hatch and dogged it tight because he knew the penis machinist was going to lay below, catch him between decks and punch him in the snot locker. He'd probably wind up on the binnacle list but Doc would find a way to gundeck the paper or give it the deep six to keep himself above board.

We then heard the skivvywaver announce over the bitch box that the breadburners had creamed foreskins on toast and SOS ready on the mess decks so we cut and run to avoid the clusterfuck when the twidgets and cannon cockers knew chow was on.

We were balls to the wall for the barn and everyone was preparing to hit the beach as soon as we doubled-up and threw the brow over. I had a ditty bag full of fufu juice that I was gonna spread on thick for the bar hogs with those sweet bosnias. Sure beats the hell out of brown bagging. Might even hit the acey-duecy club and try to hook up with a westpac widow. They were always leaving snail trails on the dance floor on amateur night."

Now, For you Land Lubbers OR those of you who may have forgotten . .
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
lollygagging - goofing off
scuttlebutt - drinking fountain
aloft - in the superstructure
boy butter - light tan grease or silicone grease - for antennas and masts
bollard - attached to a pier or deck to secure mooring lines
bilge rats - Engineering ratings
flangeheads - Enginemen
crescent hammers - Cresent wrenches
handybilly - P500 submersible pump
dicksmith - Hospital Corpsman
hard-assing - Giving someone a hard time verbally
deck ape - Personnel assigned to the deck gang, usually Boatswain Mates
pogey bait - any sweet stuff like candy, etc....(bought in the ge-dunk)
ge-dunk - Place to buy pogey bait
sewer pipe - submarine
gator - Ships of the amphibious force
blackshoes - Non-aviation ratings
bird farm - Aircraft Carrier
cans - Destroyers
gobs - sailors
hatch - doors, entrances through a bulkhead (wall)
dogged it - activate a handle that puts the locks into place
penis machinist - Hospital Corpsman
lay below - to go to a lower level of the ship...below the weather decks
snot locker - -nose
binnacle list - Medical department list of personnel in a no/light duty status
Doc - Hospital Corpsman
Gundeck - to falsify a record
deep six - to throw overboard
skivvywavers - Signalmen
breadburners - cooks [or stewburners or gut-robbers]
clusterfuck - self-explanatory [Chinese fire drill, to those less PC]
twidgets - men who work in electronics fields
cannon cockers - Gunnersmates
balls to the wall - full speed ahead
barn - home port
hit the beach - go on liberty
doubled up - moored securely to the pier
brow - walkway from ship/shore/ship
ditty bag - small canvas bag issued to sailors to keep incidental in
fufu juice - cologne
bar hogs - young/old ladies who frequent sailor bars
bosnias - Big old standard navy issue asses
brown bagging - refers to married sailors who live off the ship while in port and bring lunch in a brown bag
acey-duecy club - Club for E5s and E6s (1st class PO/2nd class PO)
westpac widow - women whose husbands are at sea
amateur night - payday night

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwartzkopf.

He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Commander was sitting at his desk when a seaman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Commander quickly picked up the phone, He told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the seaman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer: "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"
Sailor: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Sailor. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Sailor: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

A Navy Master Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Master Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again.

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The aircraft commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

How the military branches differ

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"

REAL CHIEFS - The backbone of the Navy.
Do you know one?

REAL CHIEFS:

Are the only people that can make Ensign sound like a four-letter word.

Think that Ensigns should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be allowed to read books on leadership.

Don't eat quiche, they can't even pronounce it.

Don't have any civilian clothes.

Have CPO Association Cards from their last 5 commands.

Don't remember any time they weren't Chiefs.

Have a coffee pot next to their desk with a tube running from it to their arms.

Don't write in script, except for their paycheck signature.

Propose like this: "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."

Favorite national holiday is CPO Initiations.

Keeps four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come back.

Favorite food is shipboard SOS for breakfast.

Wish KP was still a Navy Tradition, 'cause they don't have to pull it.

Don't know how to tell civilian time.

Call each other "Chief."

Greatest fear is signing for property book items.

Dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasional khaki thrown in for good measure.

Have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.

Get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific."

Have the heart of a little boy, kept in a jar on their desk.

Call their wife, CINCHOUSE.

Have tattoos and are carefully tanned.

Don't like Certified Navy Twill. "Wash Khaki" is the only *&$#?@ thing to make a uniform out of.

Can find their way to the Stag Bar in CPO Clubs blindfolded, on 15 different Navy Bases.

Have pictures of ships in their wallets instead of their wife and kids.

Don't own any pens that do not have "Property U.S. Govt" on them.

Don't voluntarily get the mandatory flu shots.

Don't order supplies, they swap for them.

Don't drink, not since the invention of the funnel.

Love quotes. Their favorite is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship."

Don't curse like Bosun Mates. Bosun's curse like Real Chiefs.

Can name 15 bars in Hong Kong, but knows that the best bars are across the bay in Kowloon.

Are at sea when their kids are born.

Think that a 7-course meal, is a baked potato and a 6 pack of beer.

Think excessive modesty is their only fault.

Hate to write evaluations, except for their own.

Turn in a 4 page brag sheet for their evaluation.

Last ship was always better.

Don't make coffee.

Know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better.

Idea of heaven-Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is told.

Think John Wayne would have made a good Chief, if he had not gone soft and made Marine movies.

Are hated by Supply Officers, who have to take inventory after the Chief pays a social call.

Use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task. Scraping the sides of the ship is "Good Training." Spending the night drinking and getting sick the next day is "Good Training." Having to sleep on your seabag in the parking lot because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training."

In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.

That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.

That same day, a Master Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Master Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Master Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep were three more Master Chiefs!

Command Master Chief Selection

A young Navy Officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which subsequently were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface warfare type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tack and threw him out of his office.

The Aviation Master Chief replied, "Well yes. You have no ears." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a CT Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything differently about me?"

To his surprise the CT Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked. The CT Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no frigging ears."

A Chief's Story

A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Navy Chief: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Navy Chief: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)

Captain: Who's car is this?
Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car.)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Navy Chief: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Navy Chief: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Budget cuts have hit the Coast Guard. Here's their new cutter used for drug interdiction.

Finally, I found out why women wanted to join the Navy.

Some people think that there are no perquisites being in the Navy. Let me tell you - if you haven't water-skied at Mach 1, you haven't lived!

20 Things they Don't Tell you in TAP Seminar

Now that I've been retired for 90 days now, I thought I'd share some of my observations with you all ...

Your retirement benefits aren't eroding, they've gone the way of the Conestoga Wagon. If you want health and dental insurance, find a job that has them or marry well. One rule of thumb for the former: the newer the company, the crappier the benefits. One rule of thumb for the latter: it seldom works out the way you think.
The only people who wear ties anymore are those trying to look important, but not getting paid to be important.
You are more likely to be overqualified for a job than underqualified. If you use a generic resume, trim the fat off it before submitting it for a particular job.
You are also more likely to be undercredentialed, so pay attention to the little things like certifications, qualifications, degrees, etc.
Two words: natural fibers. Goodbye polyester, hello cotton and wool.
If you're wondering what happened to all the clueless people you've ever met, chances are that they are in HR and scanning your resume right now. They all use some kind of secret point system which tells me that they probably sat on an SOQ/SOY board at some point in a past life. If you want to get an interview, you must tailor your resume to match the job announcement. Exagerate, but don't lie. Save your uniqueness for the interview; the subtleties are lost on the HR folks.
You will be tempted to do all the things the Navy has told you that you couldn't do for 20 years. If you give in to these indulgences, you will most likely find that you really didn't miss being able to do them that much anyway.
In conversation with normal people, your entire Naval career can be summarized in about 8 minutes, then it becomes boring to them. This is a good thing - it's nature's way of telling you that it's time to move forward.
Despite what your award summaries might say, the Cold War, Persian Gulf War, Haiti, Panama, Grenada, Desert Storm and the War on Drugs were not wars. The old guys waiting in line in the VA hospitals know that, and so should you.
If you return to your home town, some people will not have noticed that you ever left.
The number of idiots in management jobs is proportionally the same in the private sector as it is in the military.
Wherever you are from, you will find that the summers are hotter and the winters colder than you remember them. There are also more insects than you remember.
There is no equivalent of Junior Officers in the real world. No company that keeps a balance sheet would think of paying two people to do the same job.
If you are a butt-snorkeller, chances are you will continue to prosper in the private sector.
If you're creative enough, you can make money doing almost anything. Most people have access to too much money (it's not always theirs) and will pay you to do almost anything for them.
Despite your apparent lack of credentials and the wording of most job announcements, you are qualified to perform almost every IT job there is.
If you learned anything at all in Navy TQ training, you are well-prepared for the business world. Most companies spend 75% of their man-hours going to meetings. The other 25% is spent in training.
If you have Navy MTS qualifications, you can get any training job anywhere. Corporate training, however, has nothing to do with learning. It's purely for credential establishment and entertainment.
The biggest scam in the current job market is working for non-profit organizations. There are a gazillion jobs in this field, mainly specializing in sweet-talking people out of their not-so-hard-earned money and understanding grant writing (i.e. how to squeeze money out of the government). If you can acquire these skills, you are set for life.
No matter how adaptable your children seemed while you were dragging them around the globe, they will automatically hate your new home. The permanence of retirement is a scary thing for them.

All things considered, I highly recommend retirement to all of you.

Take care, Jim Bennett retired