The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux. "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

For the academics: The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.

Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?

I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Shin: A very sensitive device for finding furniture in the dark.

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

The most important things in life aren't things.

From an ex-nazi SS interrogator, now a watchmaker, to the clock that won't run and which he is repairing: "Ve haf vays off making you tock!"

What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin? ... A jock o'lantern.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?" he asks. "What's he look like?" asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'..." replies the Sheriff.

Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun. A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by. The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"

Two guys sitting at a bar, chatting about dogs, and trying to out-do each other: 1st guy : ''I taught my dog to read.'' 2nd guy : ''I know. My dog told me that yesterday."

What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut? ... chrysanthemummies.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? ... Pumpkin pi.

What do you get when you cross an Indian with a cow? ... Geronimoo.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? ... Hopscotch.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... 'till you can find a big stick.

Patience is the art of letting your light still shine after you have blown your fuse.

File SENILE.COM found ... Out of memory.

File CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Hard disk corrupted: Smash forehead on keyboard to exit.

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

"Excuse me, where is the library at?" "Here at Hahvahd, we nevah end a sentence with a preposition." "O.K. Excuse me. Where is the library at, jackass?"

Did you know that in Japanese, tofu translates roughly into whale snot?

Why don't we have cultured oil anywhere ... instead of only crude oil.

What do owls sing as they scowl in a really bad rainstorm? ... "To wet to woo."

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens. "We just tell them they're going to die."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I refuse to worry about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth doing that won't add three years to your stay in a geriatrics ward.

Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Diet with unstinting discipline. ... Die anyway.

Did you hear about the Japanese/Jewish restaurant that wasn't too clean? ... It was called "So Sume."

Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? ... Yes; it runs in your genes.

If it runs down only one leg is it monorrhea?

If it doesn't stop, you dia a rea slow death.

If you wipe and come up dry, is it gone arrhea?

Do you know the German word for brassiere? ... Stopemfrumfloppen.

Do you know what a cobra is? ... A bra for siamese twins.

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from height, what would happen?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Time is that attribute of the universe which keeps everything from happening at once. Lately it hasn't been working so well.

Did you hear what happened to Frigidaire? ... Kelvinator.

What do you get when you cross a mafia boss with an Economist? ... An offer you can't understand.

What phobia is a fear of being asked "Who goes there?" ... Friendorphobia.

What is fear of meeting a fat man in a red suit in a confined room for hanging clothes? ... Santaclaustrophobia.

What is fear of the force? ... Obiewancanobieaphobia.

What is fear of people named Phoebe? ... Phoebiaphobia.

Test: To see if your mission on earth is complete. ... If you are still alive, it isn't.

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church? The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork." The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!" The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

Did you hear about the new Mark Furman Beer? It has no head; it comes in a bottle with a long red neck; and their slogan is "we beat anybody."

Is an organization a home for wayward accordions?

If, at first, you don't succeed, click "undo."

Do you know the problem with French immersion? They don't hold them under long enough.

How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.

French gourmet BBQ: haute dog.

Divorce: the transformation from a duet to a duel.

The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his resume: "I have 10,000 people under me."

Two cows were gossiping. Said one: "I herd it through the bo-vine."

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

What do you call a fly with no wings? ... A walk.

DAM (def'n): Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor has a new perfume? It is called "Arrested." ... Apparently you just slap it on.

A news report indicated that women taking zinc during pregnancy had healthier babies. ... This should galvanize support for vitamins containing zinc, I suppose. Is this irony, ore what?

Is a cartographer a guy who takes pictures of his car? Then is a foe-tographer one who takes pictures of his enemies? And is a stenographer one who takes pictures of his secretary? And is a faux-tographer one who takes pictures of life's embarrassing moments?

"Support bowling! Get your kids off the streets and into the alleys."

Several Scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They discovered and calibrated with dental equipment the smallest particles known to man. They were known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."

There is a restaurant called "The Moon." ... Good food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large.

If you mix milk of magnesia and O.J. and vodka do you get a Phillips Screwdriver?

What did the man with no legs say to the man with no arms? I don't know either. But it WASN'T "Hey, will you hand me my shoes, please."

One undersea diver to another: "with fronds like these, who needs anemone?" "Keep it up; you will make anemone of everyone." These fish puns are a bunch abalone.

What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout?

Bank for virgins: Chaste Manhattan.

If you are a sheep rancher on the move, do you carry your livestock in a ewe-haul truck?

What do you get if you do not pay your exorcist promptly? ... Repossessed.

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works ... in Braille.

A Psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the Doctor: "a man is out here who says he is invisible." "Tell him I can't see him right now," said the Doctor.

Show me a witch who verifies her incantations, and I will show you a spell checker.

A biologist and a mathematician watch a couple enter an empty house. Later, they observe three people leaving the house. The biologist's conclusion: they reproduced. The mathematician's conclusion: if exactly one person goes into the house it will again be empty.

It is hard for me to buy clothes: I am not my size. I am extra medium.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is. It is always room temperature.

What if birds were tickled by feathers.

On an application form where they ask who to notify in case of an emergency, I always put "the doctor." What is my Mother going to do?

There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret and the older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, "It is I before Thee, except after She!"

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief. After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council toghether to get their advice. When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware." Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true. Moral: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.

Montgomery Stein had committed the perfect crime! Inventing a time machine, he had robbed a bank, then calmly whisked himself 7 years and 1 day into the future, therefore outrunning the Statute of Limitations. Many arguments ensued between his defense lawyer and the DA over this. Finally, the judge ruled in favor of the defendant, saying: "A niche in time saves Stein."

Chinese Phrase English Translation Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Dum Gai A stupid person Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive Jan Ne Kaw Sun A former late night talk show host Kum Hia Approach me Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island Lao Zi Not very good Lin Ching An illegal execution Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs Shai Gai A bashful person Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B. Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice

If you stomp gripes, do you get whine?

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everybody else?

When a man has put his foot down, it means his wife has finished vacuuming under the chair.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

The meetings will continue until we discover why we are not getting any work accomplished.

The Psychiatric Hotline's Voice Messaging System: If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Easy ways to say "no" I'd love to, but I have to floss my cat. I've dedicated my life to linguini. I want to spend more time with my blender. The President said he might drop in. The man on television told me to stay tuned. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. It's my parakeet's bowling night. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. I'm building a pig from a kit. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. There's a disturbance in the Force. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. My crayons all melted together. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. I'm in training to be a household pest. I'm getting my overalls overhauled. I have to wait here: my patent is pending. I'm attending the opening of my garage door. I'm sandblasting my oven. I'm worried about my vertical hold. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. I'm being deported. The grunion are running. I'll be looking for a parking space. I have to fluff my shower cap. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. My plot to take over the world is thickening. I have to fulfill my potential. It's too close to the turn of the century. I left my body in my other clothes. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. None of my socks match. I never go out on days that end in "Y".

25 Ways to Cope With Stress Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. Use your Master card to pay your Visa, and vice-versa. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. Dance naked in front of your pets. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's husband/wife. Pay your electric bill in pennies. Drive to work in reverse. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule", and let him figure it out. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. Polish your car with earwax. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. Braid the hairs in each nostril. Write a short story using alphabet soup. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it. Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. And: Have a Great Day!!! (unless you have other plans).